little red

filled with leather and memories as bright as its exterior
painted on the back of my eyelids
like the fading blurs of fireworks
some shine new and favorite,
like the hood and doors,
some forgotten, dark, and uncomfortable,
like the messy smudged bottom
pipes and tubes

a drive to a pool party
summer songs, windows down
sunburns from the open roof
sticky leather and sweet cool drinks

a night drive to help a friend
crying and shaking
carrying all her pain into the metal room
caring words spoken while looking over the steering wheel

a road trip across the country
fighting with siblings all through Nebraska
feigning sleep so mom will leave us alone 
freeway games, pretzels, carrots, fries

an evening drive to get a frosty
hands freezing on sweating cups
holding spoons and hands
having a friend, smiling, and talking

a midnight drive to his house
warm inside the heated car, snow outside
whatever happens, we have now
we say things, when we aren't kissing.

i look at little red
the scratches, the stickers, the streaks of rain on the window
marked by time, but still loved
still worth all the more because of the memories shared.

Francesca and Ballet Slippers

in the black of night. in the embrace of the dark, soft being that comes when daytime and all its innocent lightheartedness tucks its head into the deep folds of lady night, there is still the memory of day. there is still heat in the trees and earth and water. curled up where the sun left it hours before. there is still hope. hope that the fiery sphere will indeed return after her night-time wanderings to different lands. she will return in a soft, pink dress, smelling of dew and pine with her hair up in a loose, fluffy bun. no matter how dark the night gets, no matter how far the warmth feels, we know day will come as glorious as it was the day before. we know it, because it's happened so many times before, but we love it all the more because we have known the night.

Stream of Consciousness

it's amazing how life can mean different things to you at different times. you're one person, you're in one place, you feel certain things and then you switch. and switch. and switch again. life is just changing and no one's really ready for it. and here i am at graduation. this is about as far as I've planned my life and it scares the hell out of me. i try to fix things with people before i go, but you can't fix something that wants to stay broken. you make mistakes and regrets and it all reminds me of that little boy from Hook smashing the clocks with Dustin Hoffman in his pirate garb and hook looking over. you get so mad at people and mad at yourself for not choosing differently or not seeing an important moment when it was RIGHT THERE. you wish you were more. that you filled space... and not just in the physical way cuz that sounds like a fat joke. people try to be deep and cool and say something profound, but i guess we just care too much about what others think. or maybe we're scared we wont be remembered. we want to be more than a body in a desk. we want people to remember us how we are right now. to be quoted and to have people laugh when they remember. you want them to say "remember that one time with Kelly? man, she was awesome" this all reminds me of that Matchbox20 song when they said "soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how i used to be" listening to that song on the cool dawn of my last drive to school i pleaded with the earth and heavens that somehow i have touched someone's life. either in a smile or hug or conversations. because we all want to know that somehow we were something to someone. Les Mis is probably my favorite musical, i think we are all trying to be like that. to be forgiven and to change and have another chance to become a better person. one song in that musical says "to love another person is to see the face of God" i want to see the face of God and to have others see it in me. my school years better end in one heckofa musical number.

pretty much awesome :)

ok, i know that all of us have gone to sparknotes when we were supposed to read some book for english and totally spaced.. (don't deny it, i've been there too. in fact, i don't think i've read a whole book in my high school career and i still have an A, so itsallgood!) it's a lifesaver! but also, it can be very entertaining. :) i could spend hours reading sparklife. it is great :) so i'm sharing it with you. hopefully you'll find it as intriguing as i do and will give you a few laughs :)  Click here to see it! :) and here it is :) knock yourself out. (please don't.. i would probably get sued or something for promoting self-violence over the internet...)

We Are Young - Mika

ah... mika. it makes me sad that you would rather kiss my brother than me :( i love you so very much.

my hero

poet, entertainer, singer, actor, dancer, hero. what would life be like without this wonderful little green frog? from the first time he sang "it's not easy being green" i knew he would always have a special place in my heart. :) he is lovable and a perfect gentleman. he also likes chubby girls so i have a chance ;)

Hang it all

this blog has been only a bit of me. and i feel like i need to share all of me. i'm tired of being the sweet girl in the background. the background is not fun. that's not me. i am bold. i am loud. i am cRazAy. so i'm amping up my blog, so it fits my personality bettah. bright colors, strong patterns, loud music. that is how i want to map my life out. the pattern of my personality is too strong to keep in pastels and soft music. i'm grateful for my blog. it has helped me realize who i am and being proud of me. :)

Rains - Mika

we have a problem.. i am in love with Mika. :)

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 29

#29 - today, i want your day so well planned, you have to write down when you are taking potty breaks. :) a day should be planned, so get a plan and do it. when i plan my life, i think "but all this never really will happen..." why not? set out crazy goals. have dreams. if you work hard, have faith, and just do it, you'll get to the end of the day and be like, "wow. it actually happened." having a dream is great, but having a plan to accomplish that dream is even better. if you take one day at a time and plan them out, taking baby steps, you'll be there before you know it :)

Elizabethan Sonnet - Sarah Messick

If ever I am gazing at a flower,

I admire the nature of its grand design

I wander at its elegance and power;

How fast it grows from healthy to benign.

Why would God design such fleeting beauty?

When glamor lies in many concrete things

T’would seem if he created such complexity,

He’d share its radiance more than a week.

Perhaps God rares this fairness with endeavor 

To make man stop, admire, then recall.

For maybe if each flower lived forever,

We wouldn’t think them beautiful at all.

What gives something its value is not lace;

It’s the lows that make the highs embellished with grace.

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 28

#28 - do something nice for someone you think is having a harder time than you. we are all going through our own personal battles. you may think someone is doing alright, but they might not be. you just need to treat everyone with a special kindness that all human beings deserve. even the cashier at wall-mart or the bus driver. when you ask "how are you?" the automatic answer is "good" or "i'm fine" do we ask that question because we actually care? or do we ask it because it's just something you say to fill a silence? let every word count. someone might need to hear what you say. they might need your love, your attention, your concern, your prayers. be sincere. be kind. because whatever you're going through, your battle that you are fighting, there is always someone fighting a worse one, and the wounds might be covered behind a mask. so do something that shows you care. give your time, your understanding, patient friendship, your advice, your comfort. live for someone else today.

J

J is a flat plain. then J is a falling down but shooting back up when you get to the bottom. J is doing. J is changing. J is useless. there's already a G. why do we need J? no J in giant or giraffe. in geranium or germ. jump could be spelled g-u-m-p if you think about it. why do we need J? because there's a J in just. Just dancing. just living. Just getting back up when things are at their lowest. Just proving everyone wrong when the world says you can be replaced with a G. we are all J's. feeling like our sound is just borrowed. but we have our own place in the alphabet and we will make ourselves heard. we are just living. Just breathing. Just sharing our sound with the world. we are all J's.

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 27

#27 - well, i know it's been a while, but i'm trying to get better ;) my life is kinda hectic right now.. so the challenge is extremely hard and i don't know how long i will last. go without your cell phone for as long as you can. whew. i'm here at school and i don't have it and i feel naked. (that word caught your attention didn't it?;) in this world you can't escape. we are always plugged in: movies, music, games, talking, texting. (don't even get me started on the tweeting thing... whatevertheheckthatis.) you go home and close the shutters trying to escape people but you can't! you always have to be communicating. with facebook or your phone or whathaveyou. you can't hide from the world. there was a time when you could just ignore your phone and people would leave you alone. our heads get so full with data they overload. when was the last time you just sat quietly listening to your breathing and just cleared your mind? not worrying about that guy who is texting you or that other guy who won't text you. you sit and listen to the silence. the sound of it will crawl into your head, your lungs, your bloodstream, and just open the tiny spaces in there. then the universe can rush in and you will think things you never thought before. you will be able to find peace, just listen.

welcome may :)

Dear May,
i don't know how i feel about you... we've gotten off to a very rocky start. but like the sun that has finally decided to show up, i think we will get along eventually. i like you may, i always have. but i don't know what our relationship is going to be like this year. i hope we will become friends, maybe hold hands a bit. you seem like a fun-loving, spunky month, and i still trust you :) so i'm going out on a limb, and giving you my whole heart and hoping that you will accept it and love me back.
Love, Kelly

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 26

#26 - this is all about patience. in this world of instant connection, communication, gratification, and food-ication, we want things now! if we can't buy it, we charge our credit cards. we have to have it now. but the Lord isn't all about now. in fact, he usually is about later. He knows what is best for us, and it usually teaches us patience. i know it will be hard, but just go with it. i have looked back and seen that the way the Lord answers prayers is not the way i expected, or at the time i expected. but i look back and it is such a precise answer to my prayer and better than i could ever have hoped. "knock on the sky and listen to the sound." and the sound might be quite different than you thought it would be.

heaven is

why am i content in pain? i am stronger, choose to smile. i count my blessings and think of others first. being a friend to some one is better than being your own friend first. laughing even when it hurts does more for your situation than crying. tears are lonely and useless. immerse yourself in life, in your emotions and the feeling of now. we are teenagers. we never die. :) we all live for a moment. we live for the day. we live to love.

the starting line

i have lost my spark. somewhere i lost it. my drive, my passion. my joy to live. i know it's hiding somewhere. it is when we are broken that we find what we care about. i feel like i will find it soon. that my writing will become who i am and not just who i want to be. i will wake up in the morning and feel like i use to. excited, ready, willing. my ideas will be inspiration, not just recycles. i will wake up one morning and find what i lost.

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 25

#25 - you are you. and even when you try something different (#24) you are still you. no one should tell you who to be or how to act. i have a friend that i think gets embarrassed about if what she is doing is cool or not. who cares!? if you like country music, like it. (i actually hate it... very much) you don't have to be anyone for anyone. if you're loud, be loud. don't hide your personality. don't be one person around your friends and then another person around your other friends. be true to yourself. it's annoying when people act like someone they're not. don't like a food just because your best friend likes it. she wont hate you for not liking it. you're different. who wants to be the same?

that's sooo cliche! - creative writing

That’s sooo cliché!

It dawned on me that

I don't know how to break this to you

But.... I have half a mind

To give you a piece of my mind.

I know that every cloud has a silver lining,

And that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel

But this is a whole new ball game.

You make me crazy

You really get my goat

I know you hear no evil

So tell me if I’m barking up the wrong tree

But you’re always lying like a rug

This is small potatoes considering the fact that

You are as proud as a peacock

And the bigger they come, the harder they fall

So you should be ready to bite the bullet

Because I would be pleased as punch

If you would hit the road

You might be sick as a dog for leaving

But you are as hard as nails

As solid as a rock,

And time is a cure

But it’s a cardinal sin to

Cry over spilt milk

This too, shall pass.

you're young, you'll get over it

Behold your little ones

In our logic, we loose the magic. In our learning, we loose the faith. In our being taught what's right, we loose our imagination. In our knowledge we loose our wisdom.

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 24

#24 - We are all somebody: a jock, a flirt, the smartypants, whathaveyou, but there was always somebody else you wanted to be. So be that someone else. I'm not saying totally be fake and ditch your friends and get a new wardrobe, but if you've always wanted to be an artist, try it! You might find that you're really good at it. Maybe you want to be less of a gossip like your best friend whatsherface. Try it. This part of your life is to figure out who you are. We are all unsure. We all have no idea what we're doing. (huh, life? This is my first time... You?) we are all pretty much freaked out of our minds. So unless you were a snail in a previous life, I'm pretty sure you are an insecure teenager like me (I don't know if snails can be teenagers but all the ones I have met have been pretty insecure) so wear cowboy boots, lipstick and a tinkerbell backpack, try being something you're not, (but still be true to your standards and stuff;) be fresh to deth.

who we are

people are creatures of love and hate. they need love. they need the feeling that someone cares and would be willing to put you above their ego and selfish desires. can we only love once? what a joy to think that no matter how many times you break off a bit of your love and give it to some one else, your supply is never empty.  love is the only thing that increases as you give it away. but we must learn to love. the natural man would put his wants and needs above helping and loving others. to find and learn love, we must listen to our souls. our souls are pure and want what's right over what's comfortable. we must learn to love wholly, unconditionally, and universally. to accept and search for love. love is something we knew completely in a different life, but now true love feels like trying to remember a dream. almost there, but slipping. but i dream of it every night. i know it's there. my job now is to have faith, take a stand, walk up to the edge, and jump in.

lyrics of the day! better days - goo goo dolls

if you haven't noticed yet... i have a MAJOR thing for the goo goo dolls. ;)

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 23

#23 - help someone that is in a worse situation that you. there is always someone having a harder time than you are. we are always so wrapped up in ourselves that we don't see others that need our strength and our experiences. sometimes, when you are going through a difficult time, it seems less painful to just curl up somewhere and avoid people. isolating yourself only gives you more pain. the way to forget, forgive, and move on is to involve yourself, be humble enough to accept help and listen to advice, and -most of all- we need to reach out to others. God answers our prayers, but it is usually through other people. you need to be that other person. remember what's happened, be happy about what's happening, and be ready and excited for where you will be.

Lyrics of the day! On the Brightside - Nevershoutnever

I met a man of two feet tall
This man was quite ambitious
In a world that is so vicious to us all
I said, "Hi," as he replied
He said, "Listen to these words
That I have lived by my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be
And you're only as small as the world will make you seem
When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall"

I met a man of 12 feet tall
He towered like a giant
In a world that was defiant of his height
I said, "Hi," as he replied
He said, "Listen to these words
That I have dreaded my whole life

"You're only as tall as your heart will let you be
And you're only as small as the world will make you seem
When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall
Just look on the brightside - you're roughly six feet tall."

I am a man of six feet tall
Just looking for some answers
In a world that answers none of them at all
I'll say, "Hi," but not reply
To the letters that you write
Because I found some peace of mind

Cause I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be
And I'm only as small as the world will make me seem
When the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall
I'll look on the brightside - I'm roughly six feet tall.

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 22

#22 - today, this week, I want you to do something you've never done before. Life is full of chances to do something wonderful, different, new. Look around you. There are things that you are itching to try but never had the courage to do. Take a deep breath and plunge into the unknown. You never know how it will turn out until you try :) do something amazing that you will look back on and be glad you did. Try something crazy ;) carpe diem

oh what a crazy thing i did! i've never done it before... and i kinda don't know how i feel about it. haha. it was a good experience... that's all i'm going to say.

Good morning April!

i woke up and it was april. and the world was so... APRIL that i just had to stand for a while and breathe it all in. what does april have in store for me? hope... i hope. when the world wakes up and the sun remembers earth. that's april. how do we forget the miracle that will happen every spring? we know it's coming, but do we see it when it does? the clouds, hot ground, the blue, the blue, the blue. and green. with all the fake tree boughs of winter and the plastic holly, when was the last time i saw green? not a cheep replica, but the fresh green that only earth can make. ah, april :) i believe that i will heal with the earth. i hope i will. scars from winter will melt with snow and i will once again become the beautiful creation God made me as. cheers to april. :)

Hamlet - creative writing

a timed writing? i would rather shower with a bear. why can't my desk with "Jeremy loves Kaitlyn" carved into it just get bigger and bigger until it hides me. but Drake swoops down and hands me the dreaded green sheet. Hamlet? i'm supposed to write about Hamlet? who the heck is Hamlet? i read the question i'm supposed to be analyzing over and over again. it makes less sense every time. the words fill my head like a swelling marshmallow being cooked over a fire. but that's all they are. marshmallow. i get a sudden flash of a daydream. it's Drake. she has my brain on a stick and is laughing crazily as she roasts it. i stare at my blank sheet of paper. Hamlet... Hamlet... i wait and wait for a miracle, an epiphany, like a pebble from heaven, to just plop on my head. i watch my GPA as it waves goodbye and slowly tumbles down a hill...
i wonder if the zoo would let me borrow one of their bears... i'm sure we both would like a long shower.

Headway - Remind Me To Miss You

I’ll miss feeling you there by my side
I’ll miss holding you close in the night
I’ll miss things that we used to do
I’ll miss you

I’ve been thinking the things that I’ve said
I’ve seen the reason that you may have left
I hear songs that remind me of you
I miss you

And I’m sure there are moments
when you start to think about me

so you know i still miss you
so im sure you miss me too

perspective - Creative Writing

what a strange boy he is. he looks so puzzled all the time. the looks he gives me make me look at myself. i must have my fly down or ketchup on my shirt or mascara all over my face. why else would he give me that look? so direct. his eyes, steady and intent, aren't anything like the person they're attached to. he can't sit still. fidgeting and shuffling papers. it's annoying! why does he keep looking over? I'm getting mad now. why is he acting like this? judging. no doubt he's laughing at my discomfort. i storm out to the bathroom. the mirror says i don't have anything in my teeth, no stains, no misplaced hair. why does he torment me then? as i slide back to my desk, his eyes follow me. a note on my desk. from HIM. why can't he leave me alone? it will be a rude note. i know it. i open it, glaring. i am met by three words

i like you

i look up, and a different boy is sitting at his desk. the boy blushes.

Closer - Creative Writing

we hugged. some of my insides shattered. the past was brought fresh to my mind. regrets. mistakes. but i covered them with another thought. it blanketed my errors and guilt. he smiled a sad smile. yes, he was leaving. i turned in the cold air. the door closed. but he looked back before it shut. i took a deep breath and saw my future stretched out before me. shining like a new dime, like my eyes did with tears in them when he left. but the drops that fell down my cheeks now weren't of regret or even of sadness. it was of the new, fresh beginning i had been given. a fresh start with him. i looked around me. the rain had left everything damp and spring-smelling. baptized by early spring showers. a new life. a rebirth. and i felt like we would become better friends. him and i. that after all the time and space between us, we would return. closer.

Brightwood - Taken

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 21

#21 - my life is filled with so many regrets. i can't dwell on them. everyone does stupid things. i just need to make sure to learn from my mistakes, grow, and become a better person. in the immortal words of My Big Fat Greek Wedding "Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become." there are things that i hate about myself. we all have things like that. but this life is for fixing yourself and making sure you don't miss a great thing twice.

the quote that i try to keep reminding myself is don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. thinking about and mourning over my regrets won't get me anywhere. it just makes me upset. i'm trying to remember the good times and focus on that. being grateful for those 10 months. right now, i have to focus on what is happening. school, friends, family. i have to plan for the future, but not worry or stress about it all the time. our lives are in such a balance. one little switch in attitude or a turn of events can spin our delicate plans out of control. it's like the earth. if it was just a bit closer to the sun, we would all burn up. but if it was a little further away, we would all freeze. our goal in life is not to have it perfectly balanced all the time. that's never going to happen. sometimes you will be angry and things will go wrong. you will be alone, teased, pushed down, and thrown around. our goal in life is not to be balanced all the time. our goal is to stand through the times that aren't balanced. to come out stronger and better. life isn't going to be easy. but your attitude and perception of the things that are happening can either make it enjoyable, (or at least bearable) or miserable in every meaning of the word.  "Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine!" - Count of Monte Cristo.

Margaret Atwood - Variations on the word Love

This is a word we use to plug
holes with. It's the right size for those warm
blanks in speech, for those red heart-
shaped vacancies on the page that look nothing
like real hearts. Add lace
and you can sell
it. We insert it also in the one empty
space on the printed form
that comes with no instructions. There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love, you can
rub it all over your body and you
can cook with it too. How do we know
it isn't what goes on at the cool
debaucheries of slugs under damp
pieces of cardboard? As for the weed-
seedlings nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces, they shout it.
Love! Love! sing the soldiers, raising
their glittering knives in salute.

Then there's the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 20

#20 - there are so many words that we use in a day. we throw them out without thinking of their meaning. or what they used to mean. words like love, peace, charity. they have become filler words. not really 100% what they used to mean. they are comfortable words. we don't think of the deep emotions that are linked to them. we just think of the letters that make up the simple words that fit into the empty spaces in our paper and our hearts. i'm sick of words. typing, writing, texting, talking, thinking. we can't escape them. everything i do is based on words. how do you feel? what do you think? words words words. my eyes scan over the familiar shapes of the letters. my brain already forming words and the ideas they represent. my fingers click out the keys, so familiar with their placement and the letters on them. but are there really words for everything in life? so many moments and precious experiences are ruined by trying to put them into words. there might be words to describe the half-dream feeling, or a kiss, or catching someone's eye and something happens... but we don't have those words yet. the feeling of true peace or the sorrow and clenching of your heart. there aren't words for that. only cliches and tired words like: fuzzy, heart-break, warm, and sparks. try communicating without words. put all emotion and meaning in your eyes and body. be your words. they say so much more than words. words are man's poor excuse for expression. how can the beauty of the ocean be captured in the word "ocean"? or the delicate features of a spider be explained in the word "spider"? when we hear these words, we imagine what they are. when i say "red" the color comes to your mind. but the whole of the thing gets lost. the details, the memories, the beauty, the true simplicity of it. what it is can't be captured in any word we have. only in the sight and the feel of it.

Lyrics of the day! Know my heart, oh God

Lord, you have searched me
you know everything i do
when i rise, when i lie down
you are near me
before i speak, you hear me
your presence follows day by day
oh know my heart, oh God.

if i ascend into heaven you are there
on the wings of the morning
or in my deepest despair

His hand will lead me
His right hand will guide me
though darkness may cover me
light will surround me
and i will praise the Lord
i will praise the Lord
i will praise Him with my whole heart

Lord, you have searched me
you know everything i do
when i rise, when i lie down
you are with me
before i speak you hear me
your presence follows day by day
oh know my heart, oh God

Lyrics of the day! Black Balloon - GooGoo Dolls

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Cuz you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one?
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon that was your womb

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallow the light from the sun inside your room

And there's no time left for losin'
When you stand they fall,

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go on and I'll lead you home

And I'll become
What you became to me

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 19

# 19 - today is all about the root of all evil. No, it's not money or girls, although those also contribute to evil. It’s pride. When you belittle someone, when you think some one's idea is dumb, when you roll your eyes, when you think you know better. That’s pride. i have been a victim of it many a time. Pride is so subtle; we usually don't even realize we are being prideful. Being humble is being open to new ideas. To admit you were wrong. When you scoff or think badly of others. It’s amazing how pride is really at the bottom of the contention we cause. We must remember that we are no better than anyone else on this earth. God sent us all here for the same reason. He gave different talents to different people. It is especially hard to not be prideful when we think we know better than God. Not doing what we are supposed to makes it look like we know better. Be submissive and humble. You are a little person in a big world. Act like it. Now, don’t beat yourself up and think you are nothing. You are very important and special. Just remember who made you, why you are here, and the importance of others before your own.

this has been a difficult one. i'm trying to catch myself before i stumble into being prideful. it's so sneaky and subtle sometimes. like a tiny criminal ;) there is a delicate balance between ego-centered-jerk and nobody-loves-me. and i'm still trying to find it.

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 18

#18 - this is about the importance of family. some days, they are all you have. and that should be enough. Family goes deeper than friends. they support you always, and they want what is best for you. today, listen to your parents. i know they're old... but they know more than you do about life. be grateful for the family your God has given you. spend time with them. be patient with younger siblings and even more patient with older siblings. i know i am where i am today because of my amazing parents and the example my siblings set for me. :)

my friends were kinda being downers. and i must admit.. their attitude was contagious. :( i want to talk more than just gossip, what i hate, and just stupid things for cheap laughs. but i got home and it was different. i was still unbelievably tired, but i wasn't the snappy-in-your-face-tired.  i was more of the i'm-still-tired-but-just-tired kinda tired. (i'm likin' the hyphens lately:) my family is awesome and my mom is such a support. i didn't know that she noticed i've been having a hard time lately, but she has. and she has done everything she can to help me out :)

Lyrics of the day! Wide Open - Brightwood

ok, so i adore this song. it makes my heart hurt it's so beautiful. it just sounds so intimate and wonderful and sincere. :) i couldn't find it on playlist which made me cry! :'( so i'm posting it for you! (i look out for you guys, don't worry.) i just want to feel so sure about something like this. i just want to sing and just know that i love someone like this. "forever, i'll love you. just say you'll love me too. say you love me." 

A small town, a little money,
A gold heart, and a basket of sweets,

Could she be happy 
Could she be sincere

Could this be true love
because it feels so real.

Waiting till the timing's right
To tell her how he feels inside,
But will I, how can I,
I have to let her know,

When he said" I love you, girl, "
He caught her with her eyes half-opened,
But did he, he loves me,
I think I feel it, too

A few years later, up all night,
Making conversations in a car,
Left it running to keep out the cold,

Could we belong here 
Could he be the one  
Could this be forever
 because it feels so real.

When I said, "I loved you, girl,"
I said it with my heart wide-open,
But will I, how can I,
Yeah, there's no turning back,
 Stay with me forever, girl,
Because I could never be without you,
Forever, I'll love you,
Just say you love me, too.

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 17

#17 - today is kinda a silly one.... you know when you pretend that you're in a movie? or in a music video? i know you have so don't try to deny it. ;) i want you to that today. even if you feel stupid. especially if you feel stupid. so, find a song that describes you today. and be a i'm-sad-and-upset-about-something-so-i'm-going-to-look-dramatically-out-of-a-rain-splattered-taxi-window-montage, or a i-just-got-kissed-running-through-the-daffodil-strewn-feild-scene. be dramatic. stare off into the distance. even do a thing where you change outfits and you're singing right into the camera and leaning against a wall. you've seen enough music videos to get crazy and imaginative with this ;) the main point of this exercise is to reach our inner child and just experience what we feel. embrace your mood today. :)

this day was a german-disco-party-hyper feel. :) it was super fun.. i drove with my friend down an unfamiliar street with the windows down. pretending i was in one of those crazy-dance-montage-music-videos. :) it was so much fun. i concentrated on a laugh. i experienced it to its full extent. i sang until my throat hurt. (much to my choir teacher's dismay) i even did a couple costume changes. ;) although i don't think my chamber dress fits the party-all-day-feel. ;) 

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 17

#17 - today, don't compare yourself with others. there are always going to be people who are prettier, skinnier, or more talented than you in this life. you are here to become the best you that you can be. God didn't send you here to be as talented as Debbie or have perfect hair like Sandra. He sent you here so that you could grow and become a more amazing you. and the only way we can become better than we ever hoped to be is through our Heavenly Father. look at yourself. whenever i look in the mirror i think "i look so tired" or "my hair is messed up" or "ah! a zit!" i want to look in the mirror and love who i am. it's hard when you see the magazines and commercials with girls who are perfect. but here's a secret: they aren't real! they are so airbrushed their own mother wouldn't recognize them. you are so beautiful. Just look at yourself and realize the complete miracle that you are! feel your heart beat and your chest expand when you breathe. it's amazing! your fingers that move without even thinking. smile at yourself. you are so beautiful. why would you want to be anyone else? we get so focused on comparing ourselves with others, wishing for their approval. it wears us down and makes us sad. we should focus on wishing for our own approval. do you love yourself? not in the self-centered way, but in the way that you're happy to be you and happy to be alive everyday. no one is truly happy until they accept themselves. forget social norms and being accepted at school. do you accept yourself? Love you.

so it went pretty well... i kept on noticing how much i actually do that! i didn't realize... life isn't a competition. most of my friends are just gorgeous or extremely funny and well-liked. i'm so tired of being hard on myself and not thinking i'm enough. i threw on some sweats and my hair up in a ponytail. it felt so good :) i just felt content. i hope you all had a similar experience. girls in this world feel down on themselves. it's sad. i hope that everyone can begin to look at themselves the way they truly are. :)

Lyrics of the day! Your Call - Secondhand Serenade

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
Call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember?
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat,
Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to,
to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and pollished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
When you are sitting next to me
Will bring life into my deepest hopes,
What's your fantasy?

And I'm tired of being all alone,
and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
And I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Here With You - All-star Weekend

I'm so in love with you
My mind is set on you
This time and every time
I just can't get enough of you

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 16

#16 - write in your journal. if you usually write in your journal, i want you to read back a couple months ago. sometimes what you wrote a while ago can be inspiring. you could have written something that is just so amazing and great. and sometimes you think "was i ever so stupid and naive?!" and you learn from old mistakes that you forgot. it's good to look back. it's good to remember where you came from. to remember where you want to go. learn lessons from who you were. :) you might re-find something new.

alright. so that was just a great challenge :) i realized i was a lot happier last year and i figured out why i was so happy last year. i think i appreciated the smaller things in life and i focused on others. i was less stressed and i got more sleep. i'm trying to start doing that again. i also think i studied the scriptures more. :) it's going to be a great rest of the year. i'm trying so hard to be happy :) i think i'll get it again.  i read things that i had forgot had happened. i fell in love with jordan again. i found myself. it was an odd feeling... i need to talk to some people and tell them things that i have learned about them and myself. things i wanted to say but never did.

Lyrics of the day! Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Austenland

i have just recently read Austenland. it is practically sinful :) all Darcy lovers. i know you're out there. it is very silly and what i call a "popcorn book". random. not a series. no one really knows it. but it is so fun to read. every once in a while, i love reading pointless books! Mr. Darcy's Diary is also a really-good-pointless-toe-wiggling-novel. i have such a crush on darcy. shhh don't tell jordan. heehee. two words: colin firth. best darcy ever. i hate that kiera knighly crap. i also recommend: North and South, Persuasion, Sense and Sensibility (the alan rickman version or the other one). there is something so ridiculously attractive about that time in history. i don't know what it is... heehee. :) :)

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 15

#15 - i'm getting back in the routine of blogging. i've been super tired lately and i don't have any energy! by Thursday, i just want to sleep. so today, my challenge is to be happy no matter what. optimism i so important in life. to see the rainbow among the storm cloud. especially when school and work can be so mundane and you just want it to end. find the thing that keeps you going. find the thing that makes it all worthwhile. Elder Busche gave an amazing talk. i am sure if you google it, you'll find the video. but he said something like: look at everyday with a bright and hopeful perspective, no matter what the day looks like. today i woke up and it had rained last night. the air was cool and smelled like green. the earth just seemed to be waking up from the winter. and although today i am unbelievably tired, i'm keeping a smile on and i'm determined to have a great day and be happy. just fake it till you make it ;)

so. this was the worst day to do this challenge. everything went wrong. it was impossible to keep up a good attitude and i am sad to say that i did pout a little bit. i'm not going to go into the gory details, but it was rough. r-o-u-g-h. but i guess it reminds me of Even Almighty. seen it? it's pretty cheesy.. but there's a part in it that i think about a lot. "If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" i think this is so true. it's even a cooler quote because Morgan Freeman says it. and he's downright the coolest guy ever. i thought about this quote a lot today. but it was still hard to smile and keep up my positive attitude... optimism isn't something you just try on and see if it fits or makes you look fat. it's a way of living. sure you're going to have hard days - that's what life's about - but optimism is about sticking to it. and coming out ahead.

To March

i forgot to welcome the new month! welcome March! you shall be loved and cherished everyday. March is so bi-polar. love it! one day I'm sunbathing, the next, it's snowing. this is when timid greet shoots poke through the ground, only to be covered the next day with snow. welcome march! like your weather, this will be bi-polar for my emotions. my brother is coming home from 2 years in Australia. meanwhile, my bf is leaving for Argentina for 2 years. I'm excited. nervous. cold. warm. (it's fun making a list of opposites, isn't it? ;) we will see how March ends up. either way... welcome March!

Nearer, My God, To Thee - day 14

#14 - so this isn't really a challenge. it is for entertainment purposes only! it is my belief that everyone in this world is a color. i had a friend named Sarah Lizzio. now, to me, that just screams purple. (maybe you just need to know her, she was so purple) so, i want to figure out what color my name is. what color i am. and it can really tell about their personality whether it's a warm or cool color. it's pretty sweet-awesome-sick-nasty. so have fun with it! consider this your day off. figure out your color. look at the colors you wear most and the colors that attract you. it's really interesting. just focus on color alright?! read The Giver. it's great. :) then (when you get really good) start labeling your friends with colors. i think you'll be surprised with what you find.

well, i think i'm green :) (as Kate Carroll guessed) green is fresh and just makes me so happy. :) i love how spring just takes over all the white and gray of winter. the green and the pinks and purples. green is a beginning and i love beginnings. :) color just makes everything so exciting. i love bold, bright patterns. Jordan is blue i think. :) he's just chill and comforting. (and i think guys in green or blue are so attractive) my brother's red. he's energetic and kinda feisty. i don't know if there's a color great enough to be my mom... probably yellow. she is who i look up to most and i wish i was more of a yellow green. :)