Wednesday, June 29, 2011

the problem

alrighty dighty. i've been srsly thinking about cutting off all my hair... here's the problem: i don't know if i should or not...
this is how i would cut it if i were to cut it.

should i walk on by or enter the dragon's lair?
should i keep it long, or should i cut my hair?

The Look - Sara Teasdale

Stephon kissed me in the spring,
Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
And never kissed at all.
Stephon's kiss was lost in jest,
Robin's lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin's eyes
Haunts me night and day.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

deeper than emotion

what is freedom? is it passed from generation to generation? is it a feeling or thought? is it a way of life or just a way of shrugging off a a heavy guilt? freedom is fought by everyone who yearns for it. it is a desire of grandfathers, mothers, sons. it is an idea that is carried on the back of sacrifice and hard work. it is paid for by the blood and lives of young men, the tears of widows and son-less mothers. the letters sent home before the coffins. words written home, still fiery-eyed with the excitement of fighting for something more than yourself. bigger than you. we all fight for freedom. freedom for our country, freedom from cancer, from abuse, from sadness and for the freedom to just be you. our legacy hangs on the walls of this country. a banner of those who fought and fought. a reminder of those who lost. a moment of flags and music and standing in honor. and also examples of those who won. a cheerful drum, a swell and triumphant heart. our freedom is a symbol of who we want to be and a reminder of where we were. we have fought with angels on our side, with guardians and lions. our freedom has been protected throughout the ages, ever in the background. comforting and always there. it is in every flag, in every vote, in every drum, in every uniform. but is also in the faces of the young, the healed, and the saved. it is in the blood of all of those who have felt the stir in their hearts as they pledge their energy, love, and life to the country and what it stands for. hand over heart, but heart wide open. it is more than just a word, more than a way of life, it is deeper than emotion, and stronger than any feeling.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

the last supper

today is my last day being 17. this has been an interesting year. so many challenges and things to deal with. but it has also been a year of starting new, holding onto hope, and making friends. i'm on the turning point of my life, the night before i am legal, the night before i start my adventure. i know i'm not ready. i hope and hope that i will wake up in this new life and find myself old enough to handle the new problems, smart enough to finish the old problems and brave enough to face the world alone. as i eat my celebratory meal of pizza and ice cream shakes, i find myself on the edge of my life. this isn't the end of me. this is the beginning of who i could be. i smile as i realize for once i'm not the new girl. i'm here with hundreds of other people who are strangers to each other. who are as scared and alone as i am. for once i'm in a place where everyone hasn't known each other since 2nd grade. we are all fresh beginnings. empty frames, but not the kind that sit on a box or shelf with no hope. we are the kind waiting to be filled.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Colors according to Kelly

orange always reminds me of changing and this one evening in michigan with my friends where we played hide and seek on a golf course.
green makes me think of myself and a huge field that never ends. like from Witch of Blackbird Pond
pink always reminds me of sunsets and my cousin Ellie who, in a family of rough boys, is the girliest girl i know.
purple makes me think of Sarah Lizzio. even though she is in michigan and i barely talk to her anymore, it always reminds me of her. it also reminds me of Ursala from little mermaid and grape flavors. which are the best. 
blue reminds me of jordan unless it's deep blue and in that case it reminds me of the rainbow fish.
yellow reminds me of those annoying smiley faces everywhere. it also reminds me of dandelions which are probably the best flower in the world.
red reminds me of hearts. and cool-aid.
white makes me think of clouds and that long staircase which is apparently heaven. also of daisies which reminds me of the great gatsby. also it reminds me of tampon commercials and a michael jackson song.
black makes me think of the night which is my favorite time of day.

Dominant Monkey And The Phoenix

i found something pretty tizight for all you people in bands or thinking about joining a band. you need a band name of course, so the wide world of the web has graciously made a generator for such occasions (it took me about 5 tries to spell the word "occasions" - i came out victorious, obviously) if you want to test out this freakofnature website just click HERE! it is pretty impressive to see how when you type in random innocent words, and slightly inappropriate band names can come out... such as Cheesecake Of The Simply Rape. which i don't think i wanna know whattheheck that means.... (i am innocent! i typed in cheesecake. it put the whole 'rape' thing in on it's own!)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

for now

"how are you?" he's attached to the question. "i'm fine." are you? are you fine? asks the small voice at the back of my head. yes. i'm fine. is this fine? the voice asks. flashes of last night. curled. crying. holding my sides for fear i might crumble apart. this isn't fine. the voice continues. no. i say. i am fine. i can go to school and smile and answer questions. all the questions? except one. "how are you?" he's attached to the question. but here is my happy mask. this is what every one wants to see. my room is for the tears. my room is for the shaking. at school i am smiling. at school i am fine.

little red

filled with leather and memories as bright as its exterior
painted on the back of my eyelids
like the fading blurs of fireworks
some shine new and favorite,
like the hood and doors,
some forgotten, dark, and uncomfortable,
like the messy smudged bottom
pipes and tubes

a drive to a pool party
summer songs, windows down
sunburns from the open roof
sticky leather and sweet cool drinks

a night drive to help a friend
crying and shaking
carrying all her pain into the metal room
caring words spoken while looking over the steering wheel

a road trip across the country
fighting with siblings all through Nebraska
feigning sleep so mom will leave us alone 
freeway games, pretzels, carrots, fries

an evening drive to get a frosty
hands freezing on sweating cups
holding spoons and hands
having a friend, smiling, and talking

a midnight drive to his house
warm inside the heated car, snow outside
whatever happens, we have now
we say things, when we aren't kissing.

i look at little red
the scratches, the stickers, the streaks of rain on the window
marked by time, but still loved
still worth all the more because of the memories shared.

Francesca and Ballet Slippers

in the black of night. in the embrace of the dark, soft being that comes when daytime and all its innocent lightheartedness tucks its head into the deep folds of lady night, there is still the memory of day. there is still heat in the trees and earth and water. curled up where the sun left it hours before. there is still hope. hope that the fiery sphere will indeed return after her night-time wanderings to different lands. she will return in a soft, pink dress, smelling of dew and pine with her hair up in a loose, fluffy bun. no matter how dark the night gets, no matter how far the warmth feels, we know day will come as glorious as it was the day before. we know it, because it's happened so many times before, but we love it all the more because we have known the night.

Stream of Consciousness

it's amazing how life can mean different things to you at different times. you're one person, you're in one place, you feel certain things and then you switch. and switch. and switch again. life is just changing and no one's really ready for it. and here i am at graduation. this is about as far as I've planned my life and it scares the hell out of me. i try to fix things with people before i go, but you can't fix something that wants to stay broken. you make mistakes and regrets and it all reminds me of that little boy from Hook smashing the clocks with Dustin Hoffman in his pirate garb and hook looking over. you get so mad at people and mad at yourself for not choosing differently or not seeing an important moment when it was RIGHT THERE. you wish you were more. that you filled space... and not just in the physical way cuz that sounds like a fat joke. people try to be deep and cool and say something profound, but i guess we just care too much about what others think. or maybe we're scared we wont be remembered. we want to be more than a body in a desk. we want people to remember us how we are right now. to be quoted and to have people laugh when they remember. you want them to say "remember that one time with Kelly? man, she was awesome" this all reminds me of that Matchbox20 song when they said "soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how i used to be" listening to that song on the cool dawn of my last drive to school i pleaded with the earth and heavens that somehow i have touched someone's life. either in a smile or hug or conversations. because we all want to know that somehow we were something to someone. Les Mis is probably my favorite musical, i think we are all trying to be like that. to be forgiven and to change and have another chance to become a better person. one song in that musical says "to love another person is to see the face of God" i want to see the face of God and to have others see it in me. my school years better end in one heckofa musical number.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

pretty much awesome :)

ok, i know that all of us have gone to sparknotes when we were supposed to read some book for english and totally spaced.. (don't deny it, i've been there too. in fact, i don't think i've read a whole book in my high school career and i still have an A, so itsallgood!) it's a lifesaver! but also, it can be very entertaining. :) i could spend hours reading sparklife. it is great :) so i'm sharing it with you. hopefully you'll find it as intriguing as i do and will give you a few laughs :)  Click here to see it! :) and here it is :) knock yourself out. (please don't.. i would probably get sued or something for promoting self-violence over the internet...)

We Are Young - Mika

ah... mika. it makes me sad that you would rather kiss my brother than me :( i love you so very much.

my hero

poet, entertainer, singer, actor, dancer, hero. what would life be like without this wonderful little green frog? from the first time he sang "it's not easy being green" i knew he would always have a special place in my heart. :) he is lovable and a perfect gentleman. he also likes chubby girls so i have a chance ;)

Hang it all

this blog has been only a bit of me. and i feel like i need to share all of me. i'm tired of being the sweet girl in the background. the background is not fun. that's not me. i am bold. i am loud. i am cRazAy. so i'm amping up my blog, so it fits my personality bettah. bright colors, strong patterns, loud music. that is how i want to map my life out. the pattern of my personality is too strong to keep in pastels and soft music. i'm grateful for my blog. it has helped me realize who i am and being proud of me. :)