Thursday, June 2, 2011
Stream of Consciousness
it's amazing how life can mean different things to you at different times. you're one person, you're in one place, you feel certain things and then you switch. and switch. and switch again. life is just changing and no one's really ready for it. and here i am at graduation. this is about as far as I've planned my life and it scares the hell out of me. i try to fix things with people before i go, but you can't fix something that wants to stay broken. you make mistakes and regrets and it all reminds me of that little boy from Hook smashing the clocks with Dustin Hoffman in his pirate garb and hook looking over. you get so mad at people and mad at yourself for not choosing differently or not seeing an important moment when it was RIGHT THERE. you wish you were more. that you filled space... and not just in the physical way cuz that sounds like a fat joke. people try to be deep and cool and say something profound, but i guess we just care too much about what others think. or maybe we're scared we wont be remembered. we want to be more than a body in a desk. we want people to remember us how we are right now. to be quoted and to have people laugh when they remember. you want them to say "remember that one time with Kelly? man, she was awesome" this all reminds me of that Matchbox20 song when they said "soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how i used to be" listening to that song on the cool dawn of my last drive to school i pleaded with the earth and heavens that somehow i have touched someone's life. either in a smile or hug or conversations. because we all want to know that somehow we were something to someone. Les Mis is probably my favorite musical, i think we are all trying to be like that. to be forgiven and to change and have another chance to become a better person. one song in that musical says "to love another person is to see the face of God" i want to see the face of God and to have others see it in me. my school years better end in one heckofa musical number.