things to do

i was looking for (and couldn't find) a notebook to write down a list of things to do when i get bored. luckily, i remembered that i have this awesome BLOG to write in :D

so here is my list of things to do.....

• go for a walk
• read a book :) 
• contact a friend far away
• talk to your mom
• write a missionary
• work out
• write in your journal
• write in your blog
• work on your musical 
• dance 
• listen to a conference talk 
• sew something
• clean 
• cook 
• draw 
• spend time with a friend
• read patriarchal blessing 
• experiment with make up
• paint your nails
• make a craft from your pinboard
• actually cook something from your pinboard
• do a face mask
• serve someone 
• write a song
• Index 
• write a list of things you're grateful for 
• play a game
• play ukulele 
• play piano 
• 
  

crowded

i write lists. to keep my thoughts down. to keep organized. to keep me together. if i didn't, my thoughts, my feelings would fly everywhere. i need to write. i'm afraid that if i don't, my fear, hatred, anger, doubts will build up in my head. what scares me is being afraid. afraid of who i truly am. afraid of meeting me, and not liking who i am. i'm afraid of being afraid of being alone. as the days slip by and the date of departure draws nearer, the fear sinks into my lungs, making the air i breathe feel like stones. rattling around in what i fear to be a lonely and empty space. the fear sets into my skin. i try to rub it off. scratch it. tear it. wash it. it's coming. so thick. and so heavy. my skin weighs down on me. the fear. what if all i want doesn't happen. of course it wont. plans are made to be broken. like promises and delicate figurines. i write lists. this is what i want. this is what i like. this is who i am! i'm afraid i will be lost if i don't have me in writing. but the fear. the doubts. yes, that's what it is. doubt. what if all was said -all that i was told- is a lie. it's happened before, right? people have looked me in the eye, and lied to me. and every lie has been a stone placed in the air. for me to choke on. what if. what if. 

what if i had never been hurt. never been lied to. never been broken? what would i be? 

i would be without faith.

because there is one person who keeps all his promises. who protects me from the pressing weight. who fixes me when i've been deserted, heartbroken, lied to. 

he has seen deep inside me. he is the only one who understands. because he has felt the weight of fear on his skin, on his mind. 

he has seen deep inside me. and finds things there to love. he shines them. and fixes the other broken parts of me. he has a million names. and yet, to me, only one. he is my savior. because he has saved me from what i need saving from. myself. 

Best 80's Songs Written by Awesome 80's People

1. Whip It - Devo
2. We Built This City - Starship
3. You Make My Dreams Come True - Hall and Oats
4. Hungry Like the Wolf - Duran Duran 
5. With or Without you - U2
6. Come on Eileen - Dexys Midnight Runners
7. Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield 
8. Shout - Tears for Fears
9. Under Pressure - David Bowie, Queen
10. Tainted Love - Soft Cell
11. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Wham!
12. Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar
13. 867-5309 (Jenny) - Tommy Tutone
14. Born in the U.S.A. - Bruce Springsteen
15. Every Breath You Take - The Police
16. Sweet Dreams - The Eurythmics
17. You Spin Me Round - Dead or Alive
18. I Ran (so far away) - A Flock of Seagulls
19. Mickey - Toni Basil 
20. Straight Up - Paula Abdule
21. Super Freak - Rick James
22. It's the End of the World - R.E.M.
23. She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby 
24. Word Up! - Cameo
25. Down Under - Men at Work
26. What I like About You - The Romantics
27. The Time of My Life - Bill Medley, Jennifer Warnes
28. Weird Science - Oingo Boingo 
29. Tarzan Boy - Baltimora
30. Faithfully - Journey
31. Stay the Night - Chicago
32. The Power of Love - Heuy Lewis and The News
33. 99 Red Balloons - Nena 
34. Weird Science - Oingo Boingo

what i would do if i had the time and money to do it

travel. to europe - italy, germany, denmark, spain. russia. asia - thailand, vietnam, japan, singapore. south america - brazil, argentina, chile. Africa - egypt, nigeria.
serve. homeless shelters, disabled and disfigured children, schools in 3rd world countries, tri, operation smile, walk dogs, volunteer at libraries, read to the old and lonely, visit children's hospitals, plant gardens, donate blood.
cook. spaghetti, bread, cookies, make pasta, throw pizza dough in the air, poach an egg, figure out what creme brulee is, grow spices, grow vegetables, make pies, mac and cheese from scratch, make cheese from scratch,
eat. all of the above. fresh fruit, pasta, crazy cheeses, ice cream, pudding, bread, 
experience. owning a chicken, the pyramids, the concentration camps, the salt flats, falling in love, driving a lamborghini, holding a freshly born baby, sleeping all day, meet the prophet, fly in a helicopter, see the northern lights, stalk a band, meet mika,
learn. human psychology, how to knit, how to speak chinese, what love is, how the human body works, what Isaiah means,  how to sew, kung fu, how to speak italian, how to samba,
read. the great classics, the obvious authors, shakespeare, austen, hemingway, cristie, the old testament, jesus the  christ, conference talks, a tale of two cities, little books no one's ever heard of,
create. music, clothes, food, friends, ideas, programs, a book, a poem, an original thought... a life lived.

this list will be added to :)

with me, you are beautiful

spring cleaning

i open the trunk in my heart,
inside are blankets.
some are old, threadbare, but still so warm.
beautiful quilts. still being added to. 
love that has strong stitching and has always been there for me.
my parents
my God.
other blankets are heavy.
but take away the warmth.

jilted love.
bitter feelings.
fears.
doubts.
these waste space in my precious box.
i let them go.
and my box is lighter and has more room for my precious quilts
some are just beginnings of blankets.
i'm not sure how they will turn out
hopes
ideas
new love.
there are also many many other blankets
one's i have stitched.
waiting for me to give them out
to warm others
to have and to hold


i open the attic in my mind,
what a mess!
i dust off some objects,
smiling as i realize their shape
remembering.
i open the windows,
throwing everything into sharp relief
i continue cleaning.
some half finished things i bring downstairs.
to complete
and show the world what i have to offer
some things i'm afraid to touch
disgusted of their existence here.
i throw them out.
turning in shame
some of the silly things in here make me laugh again
i've learned a lot since.
i put new things up here.
hopefully only good things.
plans
goals.
new ideas
there is so much space now.
open.
devoid of dusty, dark objects

and the spring light streams through the windows
filling all the corners.

ode to a new blog style :)

it's a new year. i've looked back at what i've become. what i've taken, what i've lost. i find that i love it. love it all. i will become more, adding to the person i am. i have different thoughts, different desires (different blog names) every year i'm closer to who i want to be. God has given me another year. what shall i do with it?

YUS! :{

THIS is what i've been waiting for! FINALLY!

a new year, a new feeling

all the love songs have more meaning.
all those cheesy words that i've made fun of a thousand times... they don't seem so cheesy
i catch myself humming them.

a quirky comic

this is how i imagine myself sometimes :)
Extra Ordinary

And I knew that God could not lie. wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

Christmas music :)

i just recently got a Spotify. if you don't have one... i definitely recommend it! i have been working on my christmas playlist :) it's pretty good so you should check mine out. alas! they did not have one of my most-favorite-but-also-highly-obscure christmas songs D: it almost ruined my christmas... almost... but i found a beautiful arrangement of this lovely song by googling it! AHA! (isn't technology just dandy?) so here it is: The Poverty Carol
TADA!
merry christmas every one :)

Lyrics of the Day! Run - Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

spinning madly on

i know this is kinda cheating cause i already posted this... but i couldn't help it!

 i will dance this with my husband. maybe sing it with him. but it is a dream that will be realized. i might have to grow wings ;) but with him... i don't think it will be that hard.

what it must be like to have missed something. to want to stay in the moment, to go back, but the harder you try to stand still, the faster the rest of the world goes.
this song set itself so deeply in my heart. like a key nuzzled in my heartstrings. and when the song plays and the key turns, it hurts so much, but it also opens something.

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

please me

i try to please everyone, but what's the cost? who do i become? a girl who will lower her standards, who will laugh at anything, who walks the night. am i a girl who says "please more" to please more? who wants me? the real me. the one who flinches at cusses and fingers her hemline - embarrassed - because it's too short. the one who hates when conversations turn for the ugly, but is over-powered by her worldly fingers as they continue to text the words. because they're alluring. people will like you. but wouldn't i please more by being true to me? that's what a true friend would want. isn't it?

my patronus

vast

What am I? in the split second of the eternity backwards and forwards, I exist. All the particles of this earth and millions more just like it make up the number of god’s creations. I am one of those particles. Nothing. Smaller and less important than a penny floating in space. A drop in an ocean millions of times bigger than this world. Who am i? I’m a daughter of god. And despite the vastness of the universe, despite the fact I am just a face among trillions of faces among trillions of things in this universe, Christ loves me more than I understand.

Kelly's New Favorites :D

smelled so sweet like summer in the air

this song makes my heart ache. i love when a song catches your feelings and you connect it with a certain memory or an almost-happening. this is how i feel. trying to find a place, a thought, that can somehow keep you from falling, you still feel detached from everything, but hopeful for a time when what has happened doesn't matter and all you have is you and him.

there is a time for everything, a hope for the future, but to be happy now, we have to say goodbye. and don't you just HATE it? 

this song makes me feel awesome. 

i just adore Mika. there are no words. i want to listen to this song every second of every day.

 

My Older Brother

"May we ever follow the Prince of Peace, who literally showed the way for us to follow, for by doing so, we will survive these turbulent times. His divine plan can save us from the dangers which surround us on every side. His example points the way. When faced with temptation, He shunned it. When offered the world, He declined it. When asked for His life, He gave it." Thomas S. Monson

Holden and I

I have never really liked the book Catcher in the Rye. I always understood why it was banned, but never why it was considered a great work by many people. Then something happened last night that I know I won’t soon forget. There was a moment where the world was shown to me not as I have always seen it, but as it really is. Not through the rosy glasses my mother gave me at birth, not through my hopeful eyes, always searching for the best, but I saw it with the understanding given to someone who is meant to realize something. I saw the darkness more clearly than I ever had before, the doubt and the sin in everyone’s eyes. And I not only wanted to be closer to God, closer to what he wanted, closer to His happiness, closer to my Father, but I also began to feel a love, one that I didn’t understand yet, growing inside me. And I knew I wouldn’t understand until someone was completely mine, until I cared more for someone else than I did for me. Until i had someone I would give my life to save from the darkness of this world. Suddenly, I felt as Holden once did. Wanting to stand next to him in that field, desperately trying to keep others from running off. To help them realize what they were running to, not realizing how great the field was. I wanted to be a Catcher in the Rye.