i write lists. to keep my thoughts down. to keep organized. to keep me together. if i didn't, my thoughts, my feelings would fly everywhere. i need to write. i'm afraid that if i don't, my fear, hatred, anger, doubts will build up in my head. what scares me is being afraid. afraid of who i truly am. afraid of meeting me, and not liking who i am. i'm afraid of being afraid of being alone. as the days slip by and the date of departure draws nearer, the fear sinks into my lungs, making the air i breathe feel like stones. rattling around in what i fear to be a lonely and empty space. the fear sets into my skin. i try to rub it off. scratch it. tear it. wash it. it's coming. so thick. and so heavy. my skin weighs down on me. the fear. what if all i want doesn't happen. of course it wont. plans are made to be broken. like promises and delicate figurines. i write lists. this is what i want. this is what i like. this is who i am! i'm afraid i will be lost if i don't have me in writing. but the fear. the doubts. yes, that's what it is. doubt. what if all was said -all that i was told- is a lie. it's happened before, right? people have looked me in the eye, and lied to me. and every lie has been a stone placed in the air. for me to choke on. what if. what if.
what if i had never been hurt. never been lied to. never been broken? what would i be?
i would be without faith.
because there is one person who keeps all his promises. who protects me from the pressing weight. who fixes me when i've been deserted, heartbroken, lied to.
he has seen deep inside me. he is the only one who understands. because he has felt the weight of fear on his skin, on his mind.
he has seen deep inside me. and finds things there to love. he shines them. and fixes the other broken parts of me. he has a million names. and yet, to me, only one. he is my savior. because he has saved me from what i need saving from. myself.