Robert

stumbling through the darkness,
drowning in the night
slipping slowly under,
then you turn on the light

crying very softly
crying with all my might
crying through my heartache
and then you hold me tight

searching hard for heaven
feeling all alone
you come and give me guidance
you lift me upward, lift me home.

a laugh, a thought, a feeling,
something words cannot express
beyond my understanding
yet simple, nonetheless.

a love full of forgiveness
a love that has no end
my life has changed forever
because you are my friend

the dream

you breathe in and out. so deeply. so steadily. as if breathing to the rhythm of your soul's lullaby. i watch. with eyes so tired. with heart hoping. it is so easy for you. i touch your arm. warm. the peace on your face would suggest an eternal sleep, but the steady steady breathing -oh how i covet it- betrays you. i soften my thoughts, i calm my heart. but it is the breathing i cannot match. in. then out. then in. then out. my body, my actual soul, yearns to escape as you have, but it eludes me. it escapes just when i think i have it cornered. and then, instead of setting my breathing to match yours, i find your gentle, heartbeat and set mine to yours. i intertwine my thoughts with yours... and i not only find sleep, but my eternity. in you.

string of conscious

there are times in your life when you just feel so inside yourself. or maybe that's just me. i'm searching deep in there, though. and i'm trying to find a way out. a reason. to get back out and become part of the world. i guess it just is me trying to fix the miss match that i feel inside. like you have to straighten your own room before you clean the rest of your house. and you feel this urge to do something.. and this whole time i'm just sitting with my stomach growling on a full stomach as ben howard croons softly over his guitar. that's how my life feels sometimes. i can't hear exactly what he's saying. i can feel the overall vibe of it all though. and i know that he wants what i want. he wants to somehow reach into you. to make you feel something that you weren't even sure that you could feel. and then my stomach growls again and i'm wondering if it's a sign. "as steady as the stars" how it would be to have that certainty. i feel like i'm growling at my life. it's there. it's full of knowledge and people and things to do and things to laugh at and people to laugh with. why am i growling? why do my feet itch for different ground. for different air. "grow old, grow old" says ben. "steady as the flowers"

there are things that move you. maybe i don't want to be a person. maybe i want to be a feeling. maybe i want to be a smile. maybe i want to be a tone in a voice. the beat of a song that just makes you want to dance. i want to be the catalyst for action. the moment in your brain when an idea is formed. when the action is next.

chanel is talking next to me. just soft nothings. what's on her mind. what she's reading. something about blankets and a bug. my stomach growls. something new. it says. let me run. let me sing loud loud. let me find the rain. let it hit my skin and let me not care. i feel on the edge of something. a discovery, an epiphany. a turn  of who i am. i am who i was yesterday. i am who i was two years ago. but more than anything, i am who i am right now. and that's been added on to the top of it all. like a glaze. the underlayers still there, but the color on top being the one everyone sees. sometimes i feel like i chip though. and my younger tendencies poke through. 

i have the sudden urge to just grab that plate, or pot, or bowl or vase or whatever i am and just smash it. watching those pieces fly everywhere would just give me such a satisfying feeling. 

my stomach growls.

                                         

something new

 the mother. growing. looks down with warmth. "she's a part of me. a part of us." a glow. a light. something new.
the father. protecting. puts a hand on her stomach. "like our parents before us" we are part of it. the bigger picture. the biggest picture. not just rushed up in it all, but part of it. each moment. something new. we find in each other that thing we desire most. to love and be loved. and when that love is strong enough, when it becomes too much for just the two of us, we create. together. so our love becomes three. then four. and it goes on. we are all part of it. and when we look up and think "it goes on out there" we feel the heavy weight of responsibility. the godliness. we too, are creators. a glow. a light. something new.

summer's lullabies

as every moment passes, it becomes a memory. Unobtainable by any mortal. you, two minutes ago, can never be again. you, a months ago, can never be again. but i can look back. and remember. remember how we were. as the moments pass, and become memories, the moments ahead are the future. but the near future passes, and then is a memory. and so goes the moments of our lives. i could say that the future -that is, the next five seconds- with you is what i'm looking forward to. but as soon as the thought escapes my lips, it becomes a memory. and so, my love, as you and I sit here, and as we let the moments pass and become things that we can look back on with fondness, i think of how i wish i could capture those moments and put them in a jar. moments -memories- so beautiful, they deserve a special place on my mantle. but, my love, they are too tender, too sacred to me to put where the prying eyes of the world can see them. if you want them with you, i will put them in my heart, for i gave it to you completely long ago.

kinda cheesy pictures, but i love this song

20 Things I Learned From My Mom

1. disrespect doesn't get you anywhere
2. serving others is the quickest way to happiness
3. be loud at all sport games, parades, and family outings
4. make funny faces behind people as they are talking to other people. it's fun :D
5. if someone says "merry christmas" too many times, it is acceptable to tell them to shut up
6. when a really good song is playing, you are allowed to dance in the car, grocery store, or the kitchen counter
7. that which you persist in doing becomes easier to do
8. patience and understanding will always get things done faster than anger and hasty words
9. when you go out to eat, don't order anything, just have a bite of everybody's food. 
10. saturdays are always "free days" for your diet :)
11. eat a TON of fruits and vegetables. 
12. threaten to put flax seed in everyone's food
13. bear your testimony in everything you do
14. love love
15. the first five minutes of a movie are the best. fall asleep after that. 
16. always put chocolate in a place that is so safe, that you always forget where it is. 
17. be optimistic and thankful in every situation 
18. everything has a purpose. where you are. who you meet. it's no accident. 
19. take pictures of everything. 
20. you are never too old to learn a talent. or make a friend. 

How to Stay Positive

these may seem really easy and a "no-duh" kinda list, but i promise if you apply these, your life becomes light and happy :) and isn't that what we all want?

1. Look for a silver-lining. i always hated that phrase and it didn't make sense to me, but i really found that once i looked for something positive in the situation, i became happier and less complainy. ex. i was cleaning carpets for 4 hours today and instead of thinking "well, this sucks" (which i actually did at first) i thought "i'm learning a new skill for when i need to clean my OWN carpets. and i'm getting an arm workout" 
2. count your blessings.  it's true, people who count their blessings are SO much happier. it's looking on the bright side of things (being happy is a state of mind. your happiness does not depend on what happens around you). ex. my mom totally totaled our van one year when she fell asleep at the wheel. all 6 of her kids were safe. what a blessing! 
3. Gratitude. showing gratitude is an amazing thing to do. when you get into the habit of doing it, you not only get people thinking, "wow, she is so darn polite!" you also have appreciation for what you have. keep a gratitude journal. write happy things that happened to you. write thank you notes. or just a letter to someone you admire. 
4. lose the envy.  i realized that i started hating myself because i wasn't EVERYONE else. Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets.--Clark Moustakas I Love This Link :)
5. forgive and let go. you will feel so much lighter “Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.” 
   ― Criss Jami
6. get involved with your spiritualness. whatever beliefs you have, get into them! i know that when i do what is right, read the words of God, and talk to my God often and sincerely, i feel filled with warm clouds. i know that someone is there for me, taking me through the trials. and that brings more comfort and happiness that anything else. 
7. serve. we often hear "you'll find yourself when you lose yourself" it is so true. to be selfless you need to think of your self less. (see what i did there?) and when you think of your self less and others more, you will find yourself. and you will find happiness. 
8. set goals! whether they're academic, spiritual, work-related, or workout-related. a goal gives you motivation. something to live for. it's very exhilarating. 
9. smile. life is so much better when smiling. no one looks scary smiling (unless it's that creepy 'imma-kill-you' smile... no one likes that smile) smile like you mean it. you are more beautiful when you smile, i'm sure of it. 
10. Love each moment. each moment is a gift. each one is special and beautiful. find joy and beauty in simply everyday things. like a drive down the road. or talking with a friend. or an avocado-egg sandwich (man, those are good...) 
11. quit complaining! if you can change it and you're complaining about it, stop complaining and change it! if you can't change it and you're complaining about it, stop complaining because you can't change it! 
12. be happy about you. i hear daily self-affirmation-things are really good for you. say positive things about yourself. when you look in the mirror, don't think "my hair is messy, i'm fat and wrinkly and bald and dirty and fat fat fat!" don't do it. say positive things to yourself. find what you love about yourself and focus on that. soon the list will grow! my boyfriend hates the sound i made when i looked in the mirror. it was like this "Ugch." (you know that sound) he always tells me i'm beautiful how i am. i focused on my eyes. because i love my eyes. now it's a longer list :)
13. express love. to your God. to your boyfriend. your dog. your mom. your brother. your best friend. your teacher. your grandma. your savior. let them know you are there for them. let them know how much you appreciate and love them. 

that's all i have! sorry it got so long, i just kept thinking of more ways to be happy! keep smiling everyone. and listen to this --> Elder Busche

things to do

i was looking for (and couldn't find) a notebook to write down a list of things to do when i get bored. luckily, i remembered that i have this awesome BLOG to write in :D

so here is my list of things to do.....

• go for a walk
• read a book :) 
• contact a friend far away
• talk to your mom
• write a missionary
• work out
• write in your journal
• write in your blog
• work on your musical 
• dance 
• listen to a conference talk 
• sew something
• clean 
• cook 
• draw 
• spend time with a friend
• read patriarchal blessing 
• experiment with make up
• paint your nails
• make a craft from your pinboard
• actually cook something from your pinboard
• do a face mask
• serve someone 
• write a song
• Index 
• write a list of things you're grateful for 
• play a game
• play ukulele 
• play piano 
• 
  

crowded

i write lists. to keep my thoughts down. to keep organized. to keep me together. if i didn't, my thoughts, my feelings would fly everywhere. i need to write. i'm afraid that if i don't, my fear, hatred, anger, doubts will build up in my head. what scares me is being afraid. afraid of who i truly am. afraid of meeting me, and not liking who i am. i'm afraid of being afraid of being alone. as the days slip by and the date of departure draws nearer, the fear sinks into my lungs, making the air i breathe feel like stones. rattling around in what i fear to be a lonely and empty space. the fear sets into my skin. i try to rub it off. scratch it. tear it. wash it. it's coming. so thick. and so heavy. my skin weighs down on me. the fear. what if all i want doesn't happen. of course it wont. plans are made to be broken. like promises and delicate figurines. i write lists. this is what i want. this is what i like. this is who i am! i'm afraid i will be lost if i don't have me in writing. but the fear. the doubts. yes, that's what it is. doubt. what if all was said -all that i was told- is a lie. it's happened before, right? people have looked me in the eye, and lied to me. and every lie has been a stone placed in the air. for me to choke on. what if. what if. 

what if i had never been hurt. never been lied to. never been broken? what would i be? 

i would be without faith.

because there is one person who keeps all his promises. who protects me from the pressing weight. who fixes me when i've been deserted, heartbroken, lied to. 

he has seen deep inside me. he is the only one who understands. because he has felt the weight of fear on his skin, on his mind. 

he has seen deep inside me. and finds things there to love. he shines them. and fixes the other broken parts of me. he has a million names. and yet, to me, only one. he is my savior. because he has saved me from what i need saving from. myself. 

Best 80's Songs Written by Awesome 80's People

1. Whip It - Devo
2. We Built This City - Starship
3. You Make My Dreams Come True - Hall and Oats
4. Hungry Like the Wolf - Duran Duran 
5. With or Without you - U2
6. Come on Eileen - Dexys Midnight Runners
7. Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield 
8. Shout - Tears for Fears
9. Under Pressure - David Bowie, Queen
10. Tainted Love - Soft Cell
11. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Wham!
12. Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar
13. 867-5309 (Jenny) - Tommy Tutone
14. Born in the U.S.A. - Bruce Springsteen
15. Every Breath You Take - The Police
16. Sweet Dreams - The Eurythmics
17. You Spin Me Round - Dead or Alive
18. I Ran (so far away) - A Flock of Seagulls
19. Mickey - Toni Basil 
20. Straight Up - Paula Abdule
21. Super Freak - Rick James
22. It's the End of the World - R.E.M.
23. She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby 
24. Word Up! - Cameo
25. Down Under - Men at Work
26. What I like About You - The Romantics
27. The Time of My Life - Bill Medley, Jennifer Warnes
28. Weird Science - Oingo Boingo 
29. Tarzan Boy - Baltimora
30. Faithfully - Journey
31. Stay the Night - Chicago
32. The Power of Love - Heuy Lewis and The News
33. 99 Red Balloons - Nena 
34. Weird Science - Oingo Boingo

what i would do if i had the time and money to do it

travel. to europe - italy, germany, denmark, spain. russia. asia - thailand, vietnam, japan, singapore. south america - brazil, argentina, chile. Africa - egypt, nigeria.
serve. homeless shelters, disabled and disfigured children, schools in 3rd world countries, tri, operation smile, walk dogs, volunteer at libraries, read to the old and lonely, visit children's hospitals, plant gardens, donate blood.
cook. spaghetti, bread, cookies, make pasta, throw pizza dough in the air, poach an egg, figure out what creme brulee is, grow spices, grow vegetables, make pies, mac and cheese from scratch, make cheese from scratch,
eat. all of the above. fresh fruit, pasta, crazy cheeses, ice cream, pudding, bread, 
experience. owning a chicken, the pyramids, the concentration camps, the salt flats, falling in love, driving a lamborghini, holding a freshly born baby, sleeping all day, meet the prophet, fly in a helicopter, see the northern lights, stalk a band, meet mika,
learn. human psychology, how to knit, how to speak chinese, what love is, how the human body works, what Isaiah means,  how to sew, kung fu, how to speak italian, how to samba,
read. the great classics, the obvious authors, shakespeare, austen, hemingway, cristie, the old testament, jesus the  christ, conference talks, a tale of two cities, little books no one's ever heard of,
create. music, clothes, food, friends, ideas, programs, a book, a poem, an original thought... a life lived.

this list will be added to :)

with me, you are beautiful

spring cleaning

i open the trunk in my heart,
inside are blankets.
some are old, threadbare, but still so warm.
beautiful quilts. still being added to. 
love that has strong stitching and has always been there for me.
my parents
my God.
other blankets are heavy.
but take away the warmth.

jilted love.
bitter feelings.
fears.
doubts.
these waste space in my precious box.
i let them go.
and my box is lighter and has more room for my precious quilts
some are just beginnings of blankets.
i'm not sure how they will turn out
hopes
ideas
new love.
there are also many many other blankets
one's i have stitched.
waiting for me to give them out
to warm others
to have and to hold


i open the attic in my mind,
what a mess!
i dust off some objects,
smiling as i realize their shape
remembering.
i open the windows,
throwing everything into sharp relief
i continue cleaning.
some half finished things i bring downstairs.
to complete
and show the world what i have to offer
some things i'm afraid to touch
disgusted of their existence here.
i throw them out.
turning in shame
some of the silly things in here make me laugh again
i've learned a lot since.
i put new things up here.
hopefully only good things.
plans
goals.
new ideas
there is so much space now.
open.
devoid of dusty, dark objects

and the spring light streams through the windows
filling all the corners.

ode to a new blog style :)

it's a new year. i've looked back at what i've become. what i've taken, what i've lost. i find that i love it. love it all. i will become more, adding to the person i am. i have different thoughts, different desires (different blog names) every year i'm closer to who i want to be. God has given me another year. what shall i do with it?

YUS! :{

THIS is what i've been waiting for! FINALLY!

a new year, a new feeling

all the love songs have more meaning.
all those cheesy words that i've made fun of a thousand times... they don't seem so cheesy
i catch myself humming them.

a quirky comic

this is how i imagine myself sometimes :)
Extra Ordinary

And I knew that God could not lie. wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

Christmas music :)

i just recently got a Spotify. if you don't have one... i definitely recommend it! i have been working on my christmas playlist :) it's pretty good so you should check mine out. alas! they did not have one of my most-favorite-but-also-highly-obscure christmas songs D: it almost ruined my christmas... almost... but i found a beautiful arrangement of this lovely song by googling it! AHA! (isn't technology just dandy?) so here it is: The Poverty Carol
TADA!
merry christmas every one :)

Lyrics of the Day! Run - Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

spinning madly on

i know this is kinda cheating cause i already posted this... but i couldn't help it!

 i will dance this with my husband. maybe sing it with him. but it is a dream that will be realized. i might have to grow wings ;) but with him... i don't think it will be that hard.

what it must be like to have missed something. to want to stay in the moment, to go back, but the harder you try to stand still, the faster the rest of the world goes.
this song set itself so deeply in my heart. like a key nuzzled in my heartstrings. and when the song plays and the key turns, it hurts so much, but it also opens something.

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

please me

i try to please everyone, but what's the cost? who do i become? a girl who will lower her standards, who will laugh at anything, who walks the night. am i a girl who says "please more" to please more? who wants me? the real me. the one who flinches at cusses and fingers her hemline - embarrassed - because it's too short. the one who hates when conversations turn for the ugly, but is over-powered by her worldly fingers as they continue to text the words. because they're alluring. people will like you. but wouldn't i please more by being true to me? that's what a true friend would want. isn't it?

my patronus

vast

What am I? in the split second of the eternity backwards and forwards, I exist. All the particles of this earth and millions more just like it make up the number of god’s creations. I am one of those particles. Nothing. Smaller and less important than a penny floating in space. A drop in an ocean millions of times bigger than this world. Who am i? I’m a daughter of god. And despite the vastness of the universe, despite the fact I am just a face among trillions of faces among trillions of things in this universe, Christ loves me more than I understand.

Kelly's New Favorites :D

smelled so sweet like summer in the air

this song makes my heart ache. i love when a song catches your feelings and you connect it with a certain memory or an almost-happening. this is how i feel. trying to find a place, a thought, that can somehow keep you from falling, you still feel detached from everything, but hopeful for a time when what has happened doesn't matter and all you have is you and him.

there is a time for everything, a hope for the future, but to be happy now, we have to say goodbye. and don't you just HATE it? 

this song makes me feel awesome. 

i just adore Mika. there are no words. i want to listen to this song every second of every day.